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Thread: women troubles

  1. #1

    Default women troubles

    now i can guarantee that sum ones gunna read this and think "theres that mr base head, wriring about the same old shit again" well if thats you the f*ck you cos this is what im feelin init. I write what i feel and i feel nothing but pain so if you dont like it dont comment on it.

    ive cried so many tears that theyre coming out dry
    the more i try, the more i ask myself why
    why do i keep on tryin to do best
    when no matter what i do i could never pass the test
    cos the pass grades a B, i cant even get a D
    its clear to see, my life will be spent in misery
    im destined to be alone, why else would you leave
    u say theres no-one else you say its not me
    but if it aint me then what could the reason be
    i dont know, cos u wont even talk to me
    for five minutes without arguing for three
    cos thats all we do
    every day through n through
    u shout i laugh like nothing can get through
    this exterior that shields me from the world
    the only thing to ever penetrate it was my special girl
    and thats you babe, Kirsty Anne Bailey
    i mite not show it all the time but i love you like crazy
    i think about u daily your the reason im home safely
    cos if it wernt for you id be curled up in a cell
    next to hell, waiting for the breakfast bell
    you keep me sane even tho my membrane
    is insane like a rapstar on an overdose of fame
    its crazy, how much ive changed lately
    and u say i dont love you, it was all for you baby
    ill give up the weed the drink and my mates
    if i could be with you till i hit the heavenly gates
    cos from now till my death your the one that knows best
    ill be thinkin of you until the last breath
    that i take, till my body starts to ache
    from my head to my toes cos i cant take the weight
    or the pressure that your putting on my soul
    when you left me cryin as my heart turned so cold
    you say you dont recognise me when im mad
    but the only reason that im mad is cos im sad
    upset that youd do this to me, i keep thinkin
    bout you with other guys when youre at the pub drinkin
    im only seventeen, to drink im not legal
    but ill knock back the drinks like that stevan siegal
    knocks down men in his latest action thriller
    im not a hard man but im turning to a killer
    cos of all the shit that your putting in my head
    im starting to wonder, if id be better off dead


    now ive got a very unique style so some of ya might not have been able to get all this to fit but it does, its just gotta be read right

  2. #2
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
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    11 Sep 2008
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    Texas
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    Default Re: women troubles

    the verse is decent...A little long, maybe could have used a chorus to break it up...but it was decent

  3. #3
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
    Join Date
    11 Sep 2008
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    199

    Default Re: women troubles

    Wats up man...it seems like your gettin a little frustrated with the comments you get on ur posts. That might not be the case, but thats how i took it... Son, nobody's trying to tell u how to write ur music...ITS YOURS...and all these replies you get are just suggestions and opinions from some other cats with maybe a little more experience. You can take em or leave em and feel free to disagree. And its not like we can hear the beat. So a lot of the time your rhymes might flow pretty well...but were forced to take it at face value, ya'know. Honestly, ur not bad. You could probly pass as the average cat with a written...but most every flow could use some tightening up. 2nd and 3rd opinions are valuable. Take the comments bro.

  4. #4
    Registered User chizop34's Avatar
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    18 Sep 2008
    Location
    Lake Side Ill state
    Age
    28
    Posts
    570

    Default Re: women troubles

    Mic Right....I Feel you on da Pain Tip wit the Femmie...
    Erry Dude Went thru some ish wit a girl...
    Thats wat tru writing about...Writing from the Heart...Keep at it..

  5. #5
    Senior Member Keen Mind's Avatar
    Join Date
    14 Nov 2008
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    315
    Posts
    272

    Default Re: women troubles

    yer misunderstanding the feedback apparently...yes we want you to write about different topics and expand yer range and that whole thing, but you can also expand your range within a topic...for instance, problems with a girl, one time you can write about the sadness, another time the anger, self pity, murderous thoughts, suicidal tendencies, the before and after...the list goes on and on. it just makes it easier to write without recycling...as far as this piece goes, its emotional which is a plus, it tells a story which is a plus, could be broken up by a chorus but with a descent 2Pac or Em style piano beat could be a hot verse. overall i thought it was ok. not your best work but far from your worst. keep up and dont take the criticism so personally. its meant to help not to insult

  6. #6
    Junior Member BlueBoma08's Avatar
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    03 Feb 2009
    Location
    Tallahassee
    Age
    27
    Posts
    18

    Default Re: women troubles

    lol kudos bru! 8 outta 10
    Siegal and legal dont rhyme tho!

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