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Thread: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

  1. #1

    Default tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    the moon shines on the white lines
    the passersby blind my eyes every time they passby
    i turn to the hi-fi change from 8 to nine
    look up and see the whites of someones eyes
    they nearly hit the side of my ride
    i hit the brakes i could see her physical out line in the red light
    i pull my wheel to the left side put my car in rewind
    looked up at the reflective shine till i pull up to her side
    i asked her if she needed a ride she looked like she been crying...........
    i gotta lil more for it i gotta put it together though what'd u think of the rough draft?

  2. #2
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
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    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    yeah i like it. Seems interesting enough. Finish it

  3. #3
    Senior Member Keen Mind's Avatar
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    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    its a nice set up for a story telling piece...good descripters, solid flow. keep up

  4. #4
    Registered User TEKNODROME's Avatar
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    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    Have you come up with more???

    I know the true power of talent plus hard work & sacrifice.. Greatness is my destiny nothing or no one can hinder that.

    http://www.reverbnation.com/tekndrome
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  5. #5

    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    good start..... who gonna make produce this for you? or is this just a poem/story?

  6. #6
    Registered User DirtyScopeBeatz's Avatar
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    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    Quote Originally Posted by unrich_jamez View Post
    the moon shines on the white lines
    the passersby blind my eyes every time they passby
    i turn to the hi-fi change from 8 to nine
    look up and see the whites of someones eyes
    they nearly hit the side of my ride
    i hit the brakes i could see her physical out line in the red light
    i pull my wheel to the left side put my car in rewind
    looked up at the reflective shine till i pull up to her side
    i asked her if she needed a ride she looked like she been crying...........
    i gotta lil more for it i gotta put it together though what'd u think of the rough draft?
    I thought this was good in terms of flow. Format, and image were good but the choice of words was a little bland. Give it more expression of the true feel in every moments in time. One more key note... it lacked the ADVERB key thing in helping the listener relate. I could go on and on in this matter but you did a great job fam. Keep it up.... and think about what I said here.

  7. #7
    Registered User slayerkitaro's Avatar
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    07 Jan 2008
    Location
    Brampton, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    334

    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    Quote Originally Posted by unrich_jamez View Post
    the moon shines on the white lines
    the passersby blind my eyes every time they passby
    i turn to the hi-fi change from 8 to nine
    look up and see the whites of someones eyes
    they nearly hit the side of my ride
    i hit the brakes i could see her physical out line in the red light
    i pull my wheel to the left side put my car in rewind
    looked up at the reflective shine till i pull up to her side
    i asked her if she needed a ride she looked like she been crying...........
    i gotta lil more for it i gotta put it together though what'd u think of the rough draft?
    i think its a lil rambly from a poets perspective, but i think as something to start off with its good
    http://getbeatsby.com/TheShatterglassProject



    I mix, make beats, and more, contact me at iamkitaro@hotmail.com to inquire about beats and/or mixing.




  8. #8
    Registered User Rizzo Rapz's Avatar
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    07 Feb 2008
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    u.s. of A
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    363

    Default Re: tried to do a story tellin piece tell me what u think so far

    nice story mode. are u planning on rapping this or using as a poem?? if ur doing a song this is good because i can tell itll take atleast two verses to get to the point for this is a slow start off...im not into poems really or i dont know enough to critique intelligently but i can say this, i did read it all the way through as opposed to reading a line or two.
    Get out that box.

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