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Thread: Tragedy, (finished version of "no title yet")

  1. #1

    Default Tragedy, (finished version of "no title yet")

    I still need to think of a chorus for this, i couldnt think of anythin that i realy liked but ill update this when i do.

    one fine day in a quiet litle town
    one mans life turned upside down
    cos he went to the shop left the house for an hour
    returned to find his wife lyin dead in the shower
    he cant believe his eyes, cant hold back the tears
    as he looks at the blood tricklin down from her ear
    the sight of his wife brings him close to insanity
    then he thinks of his kids and snaps back to reality
    he rushes to their room second door on the right
    only to to find them like his wife, as dead as the night
    he's lost his whole life, his kids and his wife
    all of them victims to a thug with a knife
    what was the reason for this brutal assault
    was it all random or was it his fault
    as this single thought circles round in his mind
    ill take it to the chorus as the story rewinds


    its about 4.30 pm tha man had just left
    unaware that his kids would soon take their last breath
    the wifes in the shower, kids in their room
    while a man in a mask with black clothes and black shoes
    breaks a window and enters the house with one purpose
    to rob the place blind leavin anything worthless
    as he creeps up the stairs and opens a door
    he finds the wife in the shower and hits her with force
    but she dont give up she just gets back up fightin
    while he trys to hit her she's scratchin and bitin
    he cant take no more pulls a knife from his jeans
    he stabs her again and again while she screams
    the kids come out runnin, runnin to their fate
    they wanna help mum but for mum its too late
    the man turns to the kids with a glint in his eye
    like he got some wierd kick from takin a life


    as the kids turn and run slam the door to their room
    the mans right behind on a mission of doom
    with the knife in his hand and a glint in the eye
    he breaks down the door as the kids shout and cry
    cry for their dad but he's still at the shop
    cry for their mum but her hearts been stopped
    down goes the knife, onto the quilt
    where it sinks into the boy from the tip to the hilt
    he pulls out the blade turns round his head
    to the boys little brother, under the bed
    he grabs the boys hair, pulls him up to his feet
    as the boy looks at his sibling wrapped in bloodstaind sheets
    he knows the severity of the fate he is facing
    as the man wields the blade the boys heart is racing
    with one deadly blow and a stab to the gut
    this little boys life, like his mum and bro, fucked


    one simple job to rob a house blind
    turned into a tragedy where 3 people died
    one mother two kids lyin dead on the floor
    victims of the knife they are breathing no more


    Please give feedback

  2. #2
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
    Join Date
    11 Sep 2008
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    199

    Default Re: Tragedy, (finished version of "no title yet")

    oh ok, I just commented on the previous one a couple seconds ago. This is the 3rd verse then? its good. I liked how you summarized the whole thing up with that last little bit at the end. I was hoping you would bring it back around to the guy(the dad) and to where the first verse started. But ya'know, thats just a suggestion. This was straight though. I enjoyed the relatively straightfoward rhyme scheme. I just didnt feel it was necessary to try to be fast and complex with this. It might have taken away from what was being said. Overall a solid piece. thnx.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Tragedy, (finished version of "no title yet")

    Quote Originally Posted by MicMonster View Post
    oh ok, I just commented on the previous one a couple seconds ago. This is the 3rd verse then? its good. I liked how you summarized the whole thing up with that last little bit at the end. I was hoping you would bring it back around to the guy(the dad) and to where the first verse started. But ya'know, thats just a suggestion. This was straight though. I enjoyed the relatively straightfoward rhyme scheme. I just didnt feel it was necessary to try to be fast and complex with this. It might have taken away from what was being said. Overall a solid piece. thnx.

    thanx man, i might try your idea about the coming back round to the guy, ill post it up if i do. cheers!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rodimus Rhyme's Avatar
    Join Date
    27 Nov 2004
    Location
    Yorkshire
    Age
    28
    Posts
    647

    Default Re: Tragedy, (finished version of "no title yet")

    Yeh i liked it, I said it was good last time round. I like the 3rd verse with the bit at the end. All in all, solid piece of work. Keep it up!

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