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Thread: Statistic - verse 1of2 (Rough)

  1. #1
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
    Join Date
    11 Sep 2008

    Icon5 Statistic - verse 1of2 (Rough)

    (This is the first half to my new joint. Its a little rough, I know. I'll tighten it up. But lemme know though. Am I lyrically painting a picture...or just doodling?lol)

    Listen as I bring you to the life of a statistic
    Here we find, fine young Marcus living misfit
    Top of his class, rough drafting scholarship paragraphs
    Grades of straight A's except for that one time B in Math
    No facebook, his face is in the books
    Knows college is demanding, he's expanding his vocab
    The last opportunity to redeem the community
    So he Aims at the sky with plans of shattering glass
    But lives lowerclass so at his goals they scold and laugh
    while teachers tell him your end up behind poles with ya dad
    Ive seen your type before, Ive seen it happen to others
    You'll either die on the floor or get high like your brother
    and on the other, mother's giving all she has for little brother
    Cause after she pays the rent, there's little food and cover
    But life piles it on, sickle for the 6 yr old
    My God, my God, surely not this heartless?
    Still lil bro looks to marcus as a hero
    Like big Marcus, Marcus, the coolest, smartest
    And the hardest part of knowing hes growing thinner and thinner
    Is realizing the woe they wont make it through winter,
    Enter dope dealer, with promises of breezy summers
    with guarantees of a hummer, and methods to get his sum up
    Puttin school on pause, they cant afford for this month
    Wont let his family starve, swears it'll just be this once

  2. #2
    Senior Member Keen Mind's Avatar
    Join Date
    14 Nov 2008

    Default Re: Statistic - verse 1of2 (Rough)

    like you said its a little rough around the edges, the flow dips out a few times but overall i think this is the start of a real hot story, as a reader its got me wondering whats gonna happen to Marcus and his little brother, I see the potential for this to be a story that pull on the peoples emotional strings, overall a good look and i look forward to part 2

  3. #3
    Registered User mr2oh3rd's Avatar
    Join Date
    03 Oct 2008
    Stamford CT/Milwaukee WI

    Default Re: Statistic - verse 1of2 (Rough)

    yo it remindsme of likestylesP tha phonesong you really got ya story telling skills on point the flow isjust off a little other than that i want to read more i want to hear it as an audio to it sounds llike it would be one of those songs u zone out to keep working on it son Good Shit

    "get me the cheddar stackin my bread up the hood had me fed up..//
    had to get lettuce my money my fetish//
    cash i got to get it debit or credit//
    give me the money or ya deaded ya head will get severed//
    mail ya body to the devil to hell i will send it//
    i only beat bitch -----s you could say i was sexist//"


  4. #4
    Senior Member MicMonster's Avatar
    Join Date
    11 Sep 2008

    Default Re: Statistic - verse 1of2 (Rough)

    Still working on pt.2, I have a couple of endings in mind. But thanks for the feedback.

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