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Thread: Starin' At The World

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rodimus Rhyme's Avatar
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    Default Starin' At The World

    Starin at the world through my rearview
    visions blurry and im worried i aint gon get a clear view
    the boulders gettin hard to hold for this body i breathe through
    prayin to the lord for guidance, one day i hope that i will see you
    cos this life aint for me, but i gotta struggle to survive
    look up to the sky get your money and try not get left behind
    with all this left inside, i get a pen and pad and i write
    why am i the target for the hardships that connect to me through life
    but for every bright day theres a sacrifice
    but you know you reap what you sow in the afterlife
    pass the time gettin high tryna capture mine
    but after every hurdle i jump theres a wall that i have to climb
    while the rest pass me by in this race i gotta catch up
    but my feet wont go fast enough, out of breath like a fat fuck
    dear lord come and take me before my adversaries try contest me
    and give me strength to repent those who oppressed me

    What y'all think to this?

  2. #2
    Banned CeasedThoughts's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    hmm, i like how it starts and the wordplay is nice but some parts dont rhyme and u kindda get out of concept,you just add a hook and rhyme more in it then ill be straight, nice jon tho u got poetenial

  3. #3
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    I see your aim but it could use some revisions in order to be structured correctly and the word play should be tweaked in places in order to add a more unique flavor, ima break it down bit by bit for you and give some examples.


    Starin at the world through my rearview
    visions blurry and im worried i aint gon get a clear view


    The idea and statement here is good but the way it's expressed, in my opinion should be more introspective, perhaps like this:

    "They got me staring at the world through my rearview
    Vision blurry, worried and wishing for a clear view"

    the boulders gettin hard to hold for this body i breathe through
    prayin to the lord for guidance, one day i hope that i will see you


    This part seems like you may have had a hard time finding the words to use and decided to settle on these so that you could keep the lyrics going, i would have personally went with something along these lines:

    "The boulders too heavy for these shoulders, it's true
    I pursued prayer in the hopes one day i would see you"

    cos this life aint for me, but i gotta struggle to survive
    look up to the sky get your money and try not get left behind


    The beginning is fine as it is but you kind of went off track a little afterwards, one more suggestion:

    "Cause this life aint for me, still i struggle to survive
    look to the sky, get your money and soon you will thrive"

    with all this left inside, i get a pen and pad and i write
    why am i the target for the hardships that connect to me through life


    This part has the right ingredients but in my opinion they were sprinkled in wrong, your lines are too mismatched and don't rhyme so it's difficult to read them in a flowing manner, still a good statement though.

    but for every bright day theres a sacrifice
    but you know you reap what you sow in the afterlife


    This flows well enough but the lines don't match, i like what your trying to say here though.

    pass the time gettin high tryna capture mine
    but after every hurdle i jump theres a wall that i have to climb


    I think if you trim down the second line you would have a solid part here.

    while the rest pass me by in this race i gotta catch up
    but my feet wont go fast enough, out of breath like a fat fuck


    This to me seems like a filler so that you can finish the rhyme.

    dear lord come and take me before my adversaries try contest me
    and give me strength to repent those who oppressed me


    Again, the idea is good but your using some words in the wrong context, fix that problem and this might be the best part.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rodimus Rhyme's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    Much luv for the feedback guys.. It's only like my 6th verse I've written altogether so Im still a beginner. I just need a sense of direction when Im writing and this piece here was written in like 15 mins so maybe if I persevered a bit more, I may be able to get that bit more to my rhymes.

  5. #5
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
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  6. #6
    Respected Member proper's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    Cesare when the fuck are you taking the free wun picture out of your sig
    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Kennedy
    We know the future will outlast all of us, but I believe that all of us will live on in the future we make.

  7. #7
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    ^^Some day lol

  8. #8
    Senior Member Rodimus Rhyme's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    Thnx 4 the site ill give it a try.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    yea it neeeds alil more rym but i like it

  10. #10
    Registered User chizop34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    To Tell the Truth...You a Deep Thinker...Just like me the line about
    "cos this life aint for me, but i gotta struggle to survive
    look up to the sky get your money and try not get left behind"
    Iz right on the money... I feel ya im on dat same tip you on...Maybe a lil diff right now cause i dont give a uck fay....ya feel meh. But on Some trying to be you in a world that wont let you be you without all the ridicule, you Doing ya thang. I believe i will drop something i know you will feel so check out Demonz from me Ya heard...Itll be up real soon...Nice flow tho

  11. #11
    Senior Member Rodimus Rhyme's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    Yeh that exactly how I feel about the World not letting me do me nahmean. And yh cool ill def look out for it.

  12. #12
    Registered User chizop34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Starin' At The World

    fa sho Prolly wont be today Cause thats some heavy ish to comprehend and at the same time believe...Now Do Ya Hear Meh on dat Timba, or do you have no idea wat im getting at...

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