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Thread: Need Some Help With College Essay

  1. #1
    Elite Producer ammarg89's Avatar
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    Default Need Some Help With College Essay

    Hi, Ive ntouiced this section but never really ventured, I was wondeirng if nay good writers could help me fix up my collge essay, it is VERY important, and even the smallest help would be GREATLY appreciated, I only have part of it now, please I can really sue some good help, THANK YOU

    I remember that night very clearly, I remember the vivid waves of memories crashing into my consciousness as I laid mesmerized by the fact that my grandmother was dead. Instead of walking into a room full of laughter and joy, I walked into a grisly, grey and peculiar atmosphere. The usual blithesome and cheery aura anchored by a familiar smile was replaced by tears and greyness. My uncles voice was the first to pierce through the curtains of silence, followed by other voices recounting what happened. The ensemble of the voices explaining how she died all fell short of my ears, not that I didnít care, but to me it didnít matter.
    My grandmother was a foreign character with very traditional views, but in my eyes she was the foundation of my home, the stout-hearted giant who taught me to the appreciate the small things in life. When I first met my grandmother I was merely twelve years old, but already my young mind was wandering away to waste. With my mom always busy with my younger brothers and my father juggling work and college, I lacked a strong childhood upbringing.
    The only rapper that keeps it real is my mans Tai Mai Shu :
    http://www.flashplayer.com/music/taimaishu.html

    Check MY MANS OUT NOW!




  2. #2
    Registered User originalfragste's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Some Help With College Essay

    i havent got much time to read the entire thing thoroughly, but heres my recommendations:

    1: What style are you aiming for? in my opinion I think that a dialogue type style seems rather well suited for this topic. Basically, add a little personality to the essay/story/novella by throwing in little comments like " My grandmother was a foreign character with very traditional views, fiercely (Insert ethnicity here). But in my eyes she was the primary..."

    These types of comments seem rather well suited, as it gives her a more human characteristic. Just because she isnt around, doesnt mean you cant tell the reader how she used to laugh whenever _______ happened. Give the reader a reason to develop a strong emotional bond to the character.

    "I walked into a grisly, grey and peculiar atmosphere. The usual blithesome and cheery aura anchored by a familiar smile was replaced by tears and greyness"

    - Nice use of negatively loaded language, however using grey and greyness so close to each other doesnt sound right to me. Its good to see your using adjectives to full advantage. I couldnt suggest individual changes, as your writing style is rather different from my own.

    Personally the pace of the story is too fast, one minute your lying on your bed somewhere, next your at the after-funeral supper.

    "My uncles voice was the first to pierce through the curtains of silence, followed by other voices recounting what happened. The ensemble of the voices explaining how she died all fell short of my ears, not that I didnít care, but to me it didnít matter."

    how about:

    "My uncles voice was the first to pierce through the curtains of silence, followed by countless others recalling the tearful tale at their own haste. The ensemble of (the) voices explaining how she died all fell short of my ears, not that I didnít care. But to me, it didnít matter."

    anything in brackets should be removed, because it doesnt make sense (to me anyway)
    by moving the last fullstop around, you are then able to make the final sentence of this paragraph have a much stronger impact. The fullstop stops the reader for a second, while the comma pauses the reader for a second, as if you were talking to the reader themselves.

    My grandmother was a foreign character with very traditional views, but in my eyes she was the foundation of my home, the stout-hearted giant who taught me to the appreciate the small things in life.

    If you ask me, that metaphor you used in the second line is too vague for my liking. Personally, try using something simple like a rock. Use personification to really bring out the idea that your grandmother was a strong, prominent figure in your life.

    e.g. My grandmother was a foreign character with very traditional views, an honnest character of strong principles. Looking back now, I see my grandmother as a mooring line at any small town dock. No matter how rough the going ever got, she never let go, never giving me an inch towards the wrong directions in life. Without her to support me, only god knows where I would be now.

    Sounds kinda dramatic, but I think it works nicely. I'd edit it a bit more, but its 1am, cut me some slack

    When I first met my grandmother I was merely twelve years old, but already I had started to drift away, slowly becoming more and more detatched with each and every passing day. With my mum always busy with my younger brothers and my father juggling work and college, I lacked a strong childhood upbringing, what I needed now more than ever was someone to throw me a lifeline.

    Sorry if i sound like a whiny little bugger, I write alot differently from your style. Theres absolutely nothing wrong in that, its just how everyone is. Overall, its a pretty good start. All I can say is keep the reader emotionally attached, guiding them through the plot and keeping the story interesting with LOTS of adjectives. No offense if I made you sound like a psychotic nutcase, but I'm tired, and I should be asleep...

    Anyway, feel free to completely ignore this post if you wish. I wont be offended, and the end of the day, its YOUR project. have fun with it, make it a hobby and not a chore.

    peace out,
    your friendly local FLStudio newbie, originalfragster

  3. #3
    Elite Producer ammarg89's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Some Help With College Essay

    WOW man, thank you, i will implements your corrections, thank you very much, if you need any help on fl studio pm me.
    The only rapper that keeps it real is my mans Tai Mai Shu :
    http://www.flashplayer.com/music/taimaishu.html

    Check MY MANS OUT NOW!




  4. #4
    Registered User originalfragste's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Some Help With College Essay

    np
    remember, its your project the end of the day though, so try challenge anything anyone has to say about it

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