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Thread: My First Patient Encounter [VIDEO PERFORMANCE]

  1. #1
    Registered User y2boodz's Avatar
    Join Date
    24 Jan 2008
    New York

    Default My First Patient Encounter [VIDEO PERFORMANCE]

    Hi all,

    Joined CP years back but finally able to contribute something. I wrote up a poem for an open mic at school and was hoping to get any feedback, positive or negative. I have a video of my performance and its a bit raw since it was my first time ever performing anything of this sort. The main things I wanted to know is if you get what the poem is about and if there are any areas I could improve on. Let me know what you think!


    Attached are the lyrics below. (I'm a med student so the first part is very medical)


    i met this girl, when i was in the hospital
    and i could tell there was something pathological, i said
    my names edel and id just like to talk to you
    can you tell me what brought you to the hospital?

    she said, doc
    i got smorgasbord of disorders
    pain in my vocal chords and my shoulders
    i got oral sores and cirrhosis
    tuberculosis and ptosis
    with granulomatous necrosis
    and neoplastic fibrosis
    plus episodes of psychosis
    anhedonic, lack of emotions
    and chronic osteoporosis
    nephrotic amyloidosis
    doctor, I'm sick of these diseases
    my fetus has Potter sequence
    I got a heart with stenotic leaflets
    multiple sclerotic frontal lesions
    Infecting my pelvic regions
    with the Treponema genus
    receiving Gleevec treatments intravenous
    due to my DNA deletions
    as my appetite decreases
    I'm feeling vegetative
    that I blame on my medications
    cuz i used to be creative, native with my tongue
    exchanging all these puns now I'm jaded when it comes
    to playing over drums, imitating all these bums
    my sensations all so numb cuz variation is just none
    i used to feel my blood rush when I got much love
    now my heart can't pump blood, and i feel so drugged up
    off all my medicines
    i used to be intelligent
    i miss the adrenaline
    now life's just ending in
    the pits and the pendulum
    her legs were edematous
    lungs displayed high tactile fremitus
    and there was evidence of diabetes mellitus
    the pathogenesis has just reached all the elements
    and just as when i joke to reach for my speculum
    she said why don't you continue with the questioning
    i said i joke, and she laughed
    now tell me bout your most notably past
    medical history? socially and sexually?

    she said, doc
    i been with a lot of dudes
    you might've heard of some of em right on the news
    I'm more into the BadBoy type, that be so ghetto
    i known dudes who been on and off of Death Row
    i met this guy off the L Line metro
    lets just say he was quite a Young fellow
    speaking of fellows, in 96, my physician
    gave me a prescription, and on that It Was Written
    the side effects of these was the feeling of All Eyez on Me
    the next doctor i saw had a Black Star on his white coat
    he always knew how to step it up to the right dose
    in y2k, i took one step back
    I saw The Big Picture, then things just snapped, just like that
    in 2001, my condition became Chronic
    I got kinda psychotic
    The Next Episode was tonic-clonic so
    I was referred to a renowned Phrenologist
    who took out the lump in my esophagus
    but my road to Recovery was just too little, too late
    I guess I have to learn to accept my own fate
    and just deal with this stress
    cuz I know that One Day It'll All Make Sense.

    I said, Miss
    I really do hope that things seem better
    You should remember to finish writing your 18th letter
    To your daughter who I heard was a bit Miseducated
    And To your son just in case you miss his Graduation
    Now based on your information and my quick evaluation
    That I prescribe, just like I do to all my patients, some Electric Relaxation
    Cuz you're heart is dilated to the size of 35, maybe 36 Chambers
    and its hard for me to say this but theres a very high chance that you might not make it.

    she said, doc
    this is the Moment of Truth and I was hoping you do
    Know that I'm Ready to Die, and understand that I care
    and before I could speak, she vanished in thin air
    My jaw dropped plus I skipped a beat in my heart
    something told me to go back and start reviewing her charts,
    And then I saw that there was a big detail that I missed
    It was that Dr. Jones declared her dead on December 19th, 2006.

  2. #2
    Senior Member jefpeace's Avatar
    Join Date
    17 Oct 2007
    Mount Morris, NY

    Default Re: My First Patient Encounter [VIDEO PERFORMANCE]

    Man, I'm blown away by your performance. I had a hard time reading as fast as your delivery!

    As for the rhyme, I'm going out on a limb here and guessing the woman is a person close to you who died ... perhaps your mother?

    Solid, brah ... keep on keepin' on.

  3. #3
    Registered User y2boodz's Avatar
    Join Date
    24 Jan 2008
    New York

    Default Re: My First Patient Encounter [VIDEO PERFORMANCE]

    Thanks alot jefpeace! The poem is about hip hop. The patient is "hip hop" and the first half is just saying the state she's in now and how sick she is... and the second half is a little about her history, like badboy/death row/jay z/nas/big L/black star/lauryn hill/wu tang/atcq etc... along with their album/song names (sort of like what nas did in Who Killed It) and in the end, Dr. Jones, who is Nas, came out with his Hip Hop is Dead album on dec 19, 2006. I wrote this inspired by commons I Used to Love Her and nas' Who Killed It plus a few others. Does this make the poem more clear? or should I rearrange it in a way that'll make it come across more obvious?

    Thanks for the feedback!

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