Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

  1. #1
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
    Join Date
    29 Nov 2004
    Location
    Westcoast USA
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,930

    Default My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    For this thread I'm going to do things a little different. Everybody who writes has them lyrics that they never quite get right that they tuck away with plans to salvage useful parts from, in this thread i plan to regularly post up my perceived failures and let you be the judge, i would hate to scrap something good because my own standards are to high so this is where you all come in, if you think something is worth finishing then let me know.


    Today i will start off with a verse i wrote about 3 months backs with intentions of scrapping afterwards and salvaging for useful parts. the reason i scrapped it is because i seemed unable to keep on any certain topic and overall it came of as to much bragging mixed with weak lines (which = failure)


    UNTITLED #1


    Would you cry for me if i were to die for you?
    Say goodbye to me, at least i tried for you
    My homicide, ceased life described as a new lease
    Couldn't hide from the beast they let off of the leash
    Mad man on the loose living life as a recluse
    Guns in hand, no excuse about to let em loose
    Corrosive juice, explosive rounds putting em down
    Father forgive the way I'd live in this ghost town
    I give a toast to the fallen i miss the most
    Chose to host their spirits, nobody else is close
    Untouchable lyrics, so clear cowards fear it
    I told you motherfuckers, one day you'd hear it
    Sold my soul for the opportunity to rhyme
    Told you once before not to purse me, it's mine
    Manifested over time, now uncontested
    Perfected the design, through the years, time tested.


    FAILURE # 2 - Demons of dreams (blast me to smithereens)
    For this one, i can't quite put my finger on it, it just seems off to me for some reason.

    I was conceived to suffer for this life that i lead
    Fair exchange so i bleed under the cover of greed
    Born in chains, i came to this world hoping to change
    remained the same, although to many it was in vain
    So ingrained yet at the root of this bitter dispute
    We got the youth believing aint no use so we shoot
    Through a loop, a president looking to make us troops
    Waiting to scoop us all up to turn us into boots
    Groups into graves, far as he's concerned, the rest are slaves
    Going out in a blaze for your country getting praised
    My past days are committed to times i bullshitted
    Ways to means by harsh crimes but it's hard to admit it
    Strapped for greenbacks so i pack while keeping my mug mean
    Fiending for stacks, dreaming of finer things for my team
    Bring me my adversaries bodies draped in plastic
    A systematic end with semi automatics

    VERSE #2

    Since my days as a baby nobody could save me
    Shady at times, i learned to love the shit that fades me
    Angry with the lord over times he ignored me
    Pushed me overboard so i choose to live by the sword
    I explored the depths of human destruction and death
    Lost homies to meth, swore id rush into my last breath
    Please blast me to smithereens like the demons of dreams
    Teaming with the memories of the last things that i seen
    These fiends on the Vally streets got me afraid to sleep
    I'm peeking out my blinds and sleeping next to my heat
    Can't be discreet with my mode and so i hit the road
    Incase i corrode into myself and then explode
    Now lock and load cause over time i can hear them talk
    Scared to see me on top, trying to sabotage my shot
    Wise to snakes in disguise keeping a handshake away
    And the only way to escape is death at the stake.


    Anyhow, that concludes today's failures, check back for more.

  2. #2
    The picture of moderation PHAT-DUB's Avatar
    Join Date
    18 Nov 2006
    Location
    West Coast BC!
    Age
    33
    Posts
    337

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    I know exactly what your talkin' about here, Ideas that fail to to sit *to gether just right, lines that branch and wander off topic-sometimes the rhymes just don't sound right, even though the basic material is quite good.

    I agree about the second piece it does't quite flow right, though all of the above stuff has very effective writing-bar a few lines that aren't too great-and you could deffinatley put a lot of that material to good use in future projects.
    Peace.

  3. #3
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
    Join Date
    29 Nov 2004
    Location
    Westcoast USA
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,930

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    ^That's how i feel about it, I was listening to Nas's "Book of rhymes" and thought i do something similar but in text.

  4. #4
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
    Join Date
    29 Nov 2004
    Location
    Westcoast USA
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,930

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    PART 3: im unsure about this one, i feel like it might be very good with a few changes but im leaning towards scrapping it. what do you think?


    I stay lonely, don’t need no homies, they can never know me
    So many women, things they said only they could show me
    So slow to see how she should have been below my currency
    Follow M.O.B., rags to riches, the rest is history
    Taught me it’s money over bitches, keep an eye on your friends
    Got enemies and phonies who snitch, just waiting on my end
    Revenge in the form of caskets by way of automatics
    I know it’s drastic and some would even say it’s tragic
    For me to see a perfect life so clear yet still not grasp it
    Now past the need for tears, what’s left to do but try and mask it?
    And so, if you see me in traffic, don’t even look my way
    My life’s an open book and today I start a new chapter
    Don’t ask why, but to me, tomorrow’s sorrows just don’t matter
    We can cry later, but for now can’t we just enjoy the laughter?
    At the sound off bullets my thoughts scatter, someone call the cops
    Grab my pistol and pull it as a body shatters and drops


    Another day in the city not known for having pity
    Where misery is free and dreams are always sold for a fee
    Please blast me to smithereens and rid me of these wicked dreams
    Teaming with memories of the last beautiful thing I seen
    No more fiends, no more overdoses and no more black roses
    All I know is, we’ll never grow, just look what it exposes
    Explosive memories that these kids will never see again
    Walked in on mommy overdosing to death on heroin
    Circled by paramedics, her body purple, no more breath
    Now what’s left but the tragic news of their addict mother’s death?
    After the cops leave there’s no more talks of heading to detox
    Just a pine box with keepsakes in the hopes that the cycle stops
    Nobody’s in shock, seen it all before and there’s plenty more
    I explored the depths of human destruction and rest assure
    I can’t weep cause to many motherfuckers creep for meth and
    I can’t sleep no more cause sleep is the cousin of death

  5. #5
    The picture of moderation PHAT-DUB's Avatar
    Join Date
    18 Nov 2006
    Location
    West Coast BC!
    Age
    33
    Posts
    337

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    I really am feeling this one, I would deffinatley fix it up-an' not just scrap it. A couple things I notice, that don't keep the flow-for me-would be the second half of the second line in the second verse-it just don't sit quite right with the rest-again this is just my humble opine.
    Also in the first verse you have:

    And so, if you see me in traffic, don’t even look my way
    My life’s an open book and today I start a new chapter (which could be fixed simply-'...And the next new chapter starts today'

    Though personally, I'd do the above more like what I have below

    And so, if you happen to see me in traffic, don’t even look or glance my way
    My life’s an open book and its time for chapter two-flippin to another page

    I know its not anywhere close to the same sylabyl structure-I just couldn't come up with a short piece that incorporated what was allready there, in addition to what I wanted to say.

    On another related point, sayin' ones life is an open book, at the same time as sayin' don't look, will make some people think that you don't understand the concept but I am taking it as a deeper revelation-I don't know if thats what your intention was, but as you usually write deep, its got to be my assumtion.

    Any ways with a bit of spit and polish an' the insertation of a coresponding chourus it definatley worthy as a kepper IMHO.

    Peace!

  6. #6
    Livin the Atheist life Cesare Borgia's Avatar
    Join Date
    29 Nov 2004
    Location
    Westcoast USA
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,930

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    what i mean by an open book is, sometimes people find themselves in the spotlight when certain kinds of things go down and everybody is watching their moves, is sort of an "All eyes on me" concept, so what im saying more or less is, "You motherfuckers think you know me, think what you want but don't dare look my fucking way"

  7. #7
    Senior Member jefpeace's Avatar
    Join Date
    17 Oct 2007
    Location
    Mount Morris, NY
    Age
    58
    Posts
    2,027

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    #s 1 and 3 are definitely worth persuing and need only a bit of rewrite and expansion to be solid. #2 has a lot of lines that are absolutely killa, but yeah, the rhyme as a whole seems to be more like notes for three or four rhymes. But hell, you already knew that. ;)

  8. #8
    Gold Seller Visible's Avatar
    Join Date
    10 Nov 2006
    Location
    detroit, mi (tha 313)
    Posts
    131

    Default Re: My failed rhymes thread (Continuously updated)

    from #1, I like these lines:

    "Would you cry for me if i were to die for you?
    Say goodbye to me, at least i tried for you
    My homicide, ceased life described as a new lease
    Couldn't hide from the beast they let off of the leash
    Mad man on the loose living life as a recluse
    Guns in hand, no excuse about to let em loose."

    you got some good lines in all ur verses though.
    Young Revolutionary.
    Know Allegiance

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
About CrazyPellas

CrazyPellas is a great music community that was founded in 2004, for Artists, DJs and Producers to Upload Music, Share Music and Get Feedback on your Music. We are constantly striving to improve CrazyPellas and ask you to contact us if you have any suggestions or if their is anything that we can help you with.

Connect With Us