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Thread: few jokes :D

  1. #1
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    Default few jokes :D

    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
    Millionaire: I was "A Billionaire"

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    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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    Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
    Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
    Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
    Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

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    After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
    Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
    The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
    Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
    To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
    The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

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    Preacher: "How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?"
    Morris: "There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend."
    Preacher: "Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more."

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    men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying 2 go back between the legs of a woman. why?becoz there's no place like home.

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    An airplane flying has some problems. The pilot says the plane is losing height and all the baggage must be thrown out. (Pilot) "We're still losing height, we must throw everything out that is in the cabin" Despite more things being thrown out the plane continues its descent. (Pilot) "Still going down - we must throw out some people" There's a big gasp from the passengers! (Pilot) "But to make this fair - passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order, so A, any Africans on board?" No one moves. (Pilot) "B, any Blacks on board?" No one moves. (Pilot) "C, any Caribbeans on board?" Still no one moves. Little black boy asks his dad , "Dad, what are we?" (Dad) Shhhhhhhh "Tonight son, we are Zulus.

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    At the university of liverpool, a Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?" The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't make love to you afterwards, you'll look depressed too!"

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    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

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    A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?

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    A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill. "Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl. "No." replied Mom. "I think I'm going to throw up." "Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." A few moments later the girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" asked Mom. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?" "I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'

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    Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Iíve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

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    A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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    A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is At site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this. de man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment Please Try Again Later.

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    A MAN"S YOUNGEST SON ASKED HIS FATHER: "Daddy what is d difference between "potential"and"reality"? Dad:I wil show u.Dad turned to his wife and ask her:"Wld u sleep wit Tom Cruise for 1 Million Dollars? Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire" The Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep wit Will Smith for 2 million dollars? Daughter:"Wow! Yes Yes! I will that's my fantasy" So Dad turned to his elder son and asks himon,wil u sleep wit Denzel Washington for 1 Million dollars? Elder Son replied:"Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I cld do wit 1 Million dollars, I would never hesitate!"So d Father turns to his younger son and said:"u see son, "POTENTIALLY"we r sittin on 4 Million But in"REALITY" we are livin wit 2 prostitutes n 1 gay

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    A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.

    He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

    "What do you have there?" his mother asked.

    With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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    A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.

    He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

    "What do you have there?" his mother asked.

    With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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    3 Nigerian pastors were asked how they give their money to God
    - Yoruba pastor: I draw a circle and stand in it, i throws the money up, anyone that lands inside is for me, outside is for God
    - Hausa pastor: I draw a line, stand on it and throw the money up, anyone that lands in front is for me and behind is for God
    - Ibo pastor: I don't waste money buying chalk, I stand anywhere and throw the money up, anyone that God catches is for Him anyone that lands is for me.

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    PENDING MARRIAGE

    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
    last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozening shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    When she reached the top she pulled off her undies and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

    I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,we are very happy that you have passed our little test, we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car

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    There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from colleagues, boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you come into contact with WORK put on your jacket and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life

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    A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?" Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

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    I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrasment. Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat. The girl started crying and left class

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    The New Company Policy

    DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

    ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

    We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    The Management

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    HOSPITAL WAITING ROOOM

    There were three men waiting outside the hospital delivery room. After awhile, a nurse came into the waiting room and said, "Congratulation, mr brown, youíre the father of twins!" "Well, what a coincidence," said Mr Brown. I work for the Minneneotea Twins Football team!

    Soon the nurse came into the waiting room again and said "Congratulation, Mr Green! Youíre the father of triplet!" "Well what coincidence," said Mr Green. "I work for the 3-m Corporation!"

    The third man in the waiting room got up from his seat and started to leave. The nurse saw him and said, "Wait, sir, you canít go get. Your wife hasnít delivered! Why are you leaving now?" the man turned around and said, "Iím going to find a second job because I work for the 7-up Company!"

  2. #2

    Default Re: few jokes :D

    men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying 2 go back between the legs of a woman. why?becoz there's no place like home.
    LOLOL Really liked this one

  3. #3

    Default Re: few jokes :D

    lol

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